


things left unsaid

by fagsymbiote



Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-28 09:30:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14446338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fagsymbiote/pseuds/fagsymbiote
Summary: Being stuck in a hospital dying can give a guy plenty of time to think, something Whizzer learned firsthand. He thought and thought and sometimes even acted on his thoughts.Mostly he thought about Marvin, about Marvin's family, about how long he had left. He thought more in that hospital room than he'd ever thought before.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> strap in kiddos this one's rough lmao

The Bar Mitzvah was a great surprise. Whizzer had already come to accept that he was never going to see Jason stand in front of everyone, reciting his Hebrew like he’d been practicing for months, accepted that Marvin wouldn't be holding him while they watched the kid they loved grow up, accepted that he’d never be a part of that.

He thought that, at best, Marvin would bring him pictures, would tell him all about it while laying in bed, Whizzer playing with Marvin’s hair and Marvin holding him. At worst, he thought there was a chance he’d be dead before it even happened. He never thought they would work to make him a part of the whole thing, never thought Trina would forgive him enough to let him into the family even as he was dying.

He felt almost complete afterwards, like when he finally died it wouldn't feel like such a slap in the face. Being a part of Marvin’s family, it was something he never thought he’d get.

After the Bar Mitzvah, Marvin had to leave for a bit to help bring things back to Trina and Mendel’s. He kissed Whizzer before he left, soft and sweet in a way that he wouldn't have thought possible just over two years earlier, and he told Whizzer he loved him. Marvin made it a point to do that every chance he got.

He was always touching Whizzer, holding his hand or petting his hair or putting his arm around his waist, kissing Whizzer every chance he got, always reminding Whizzer he loved him. He was sure Marvin had said the words ‘I love you’ more during the time Whizzer had been in the hospital than he’d said it to anyone in his life. Whizzer knew it was because Marvin felt like it could be the last time every time, even if he’d never say that to Whizzer. He still insisted Whizzer was going to pull through, no matter how impossible that became.

It was almost infuriating how optimistic Marvin tried to be sometimes, or it would be if he had enough energy left to be angry at anyone but himself anymore. If he let himself get mad, argue with Marvin, blow up at anyone, he felt like it was just a waste. God, when did he start caring about wasting time?

He sighed. He supposed that was a side effect of dying, wasn't it? 

He rolled over onto his side, trying to ignore the way such a simple thing left him a bit short of breath. The Bar Mitzvah may have been the best time he’d had since he’d been stuck in the hospital, but it was exhausting in a way that being surrounded by people had never been before. He used to feel refreshed, energized, elated after a party, and now all he wanted to do was curl up and sleep.

He couldn't even sleep without Marvin there beside him anymore. He’d gotten too used to fingers running through his hair, to arms around him and warmth surrounding him as he fell asleep. He forced himself to sit up, looking around the room. 

He glared at the book he’d set on the chair across the room earlier that day, hating that his body was too tired to even carry him that far. He was pouting when he pressed the button to call a nurse, he knew that. 

As soon as she walked into the room, he remembered exactly why he never called the nurses. She was looking at him with eyes full of pity, as if he was some poor, sorry creature who couldn't handle what was happening to him. He’d had plenty of time to figure out how to cope, and he didn't need pity.

“Can you bring me my book?” he asked in the clearest, strongest voice he could manage, pointing to the chair.

She nodded, hurried to bring it, and asked if he needed anything else. He sighed. “Just make sure Marvin comes straight in here when he gets back.”

“Of course,” she said immediately. “And how are you feeling today?”

He ignored the annoyance rising up in him. All he wanted was his book, not a hundred questions they already knew the answers to. “Tired. Bored. Same as usual.”

“Do you need me to talk to your doctor about getting something to help you sleep?” she asked, concerned.

“No, I just--I just need Marvin. I sleep fine when he's here,” Whizzer said and opened his book, pretending to read in hopes it would end the conversation. 

She said something else, but he’d stopped listening already, and a moment later she was gone, closing the door behind her. 

He skimmed the pages of the book, eyes never being able to focus enough to properly read it. He couldn't seem to make his eyes focus on much at all anymore. His vision had always been superb, and technically it still was, but his eyes just slid over things, going fuzzy if he tried too hard to focus in on them. 

He huffed and slammed the book shut, setting it on the table next to his bed and laying down. It wasn't long after that the door was opening again, and he heard the welcome voice of Marvin.

“Whizzer, are you awake?” he asked. 

Whizzer rolled back over, too exhausted even to sit back up. He smiled at Marvin and opened his arms in an invitation to join him, one which Marvin gladly accepted. Marvin took off his shoes and climbed into the bed next to Whizzer, pressing a kiss to the top of his head once they’d made themselves comfortable.

“Don't you ever miss your bed?” Whizzer asked. He tried giving Marvin an out sometimes, just so he knew he didn't have to watch Whizzer die.

“No,” Marvin said, no trace of hesitation in his voice. “If you're not in it, it's just a bed.”

Whizzer nodded, swallowing hard. He wondered if Marvin knew what saying things like that did to him. Marvin was the first, the only, man to ever care about Whizzer in a way that was this loving, this intimate. Whizzer still didn't know how to reciprocate nearly as openly, would probably never get the chance to learn.

He didn't say that though. He wondered how many things would be left unsaid when he died. Too many, at least on his part. He’d gotten better at one thing though.

“I love you,” he said, clearly and without any sort of hesitation. That was one thing he wanted to make damn sure Marvin knew.

Marvin nodded, and Whizzer pretended he didn't see he was trying not to cry. “I love you too.”

Whizzer pressed his head to Marvin’s chest, and he let himself sleep. 

Marvin was still there when he woke up, something else Whizzer had grown accustomed to. 

“Morning,” Marvin said, smiling down at him. 

Whizzer nodded, squinting at him and forcing himself to sit up. 

Marvin sighed. “I have to leave soon for work, but I didn't want you to wake up alone.”

Whizzer laughed, and saw Marvin light up at it. “I'll be fine, Marv. Go, I won't die before you get back.”

Marvin deflated at that, but Whizzer didn't make any move to apologize. It was his deathbed, he’d make all the jokes he wanted.

Marvin didn't say anything about it either. He knew it was pointless. “I love you,” he said instead.

“Love you too.” Whizzer kissed Marvin, then gave him a soft push that he’d never admit took most of his strength.

“I’ll come back as soon as I get off, okay?” Marvin assured him, slipping his shoes on. 

Whizzer nodded, smiling at Marvin, watching him as he left. As soon as the door was shut, he felt himself sag, exhaustion weighing every one of his bones down. He missed being able to be active more than anything, more than sex or attention from men, even more than his own style and clothes sometimes. He used to be able to kick Marvin’s ass in racquetball, used to able to help Jason play baseball, used to go on runs in the mornings, and now he couldn't even sit up some days. 

He wondered if it was obvious to everyone else how little time he had left. Everyone knew he was going to die, but could anyone see how close he was in the way he felt it? He didn't know. He’d avoided mirrors as much as he could manage since the sickness became a visible, tangible thing. He knew his looks should be the least of his concerns, and they definitely didn't matter to him as much as they used to, but the vanity he’d worn his entire life was ingrained into every fibre of his being, and it would stay that way until long after he was dead.

He was sure he was looking even worse than the last time he’d seen himself. His skin probably looked even waxier, his eyes more tired and sunken in, his whole form more frail. 

He gave himself maybe a month left at most. He wondered how long everyone else thought he had. Honestly, he almost hoped it was less than a month. At least then he wouldn't have to put up with living in a useless body that was destroying itself anymore. 

He knew he should do something for Marvin. He was about to be out of time, and Marvin refused to see it. He needed something to give him, something that could help him once Whizzer was gone. 

The nurse from the night before came into his room shortly after the idea crossed his mind, tray of food in her hands. She set it on his table and he thanked her, forcing a smile onto his face.

“Would you mind bringing me a pad of paper and a pen or something?” he asked, pulling his tray into his lap. 

“Of course. I’ll bring it once you finish eating, is that alright?”

He sighed. “Yeah, that's fine. Just--it just needs to be soon.”

She nodded, asked him a few cursory questions about how he was feeling, and then left. He ate his food, which was as boring as it had been every day for as long as he’d been there, and he called her back in. 

As promised, she had a pad of paper, the kind that was lined and yellow, and a pen. “What did you want this for?” she asked.

He snorted. “You're a nurse, you can tell I’m dying soon. I just--I want to leave something behind for Marvin. I want to--I need him to know I loved him. He can't forget that.”

Her eyes widened a fraction, and she nodded. “I’ll give you some privacy then.”

He waited until the door had shut behind her before he even let himself think about what to write.

_Marvin,_

_If you're reading this, it either means I’m dead or you're going through my shit while I’m asleep, but I trust you, so I’m guessing it's the first thing._

He grimaced at his handwriting, at the way his shaking hands made it even more of a mess than it already was when he was healthy. At least he didn't have to worry about anyone else reading the letter, Marvin would be the only one who could decipher his writing.

_I didn't want to leave you with nothing, and I know you'll probably find some way to be pissed after you read this because I’m too much of a coward to say any of it to you while I’m still alive, but I needed to do this. Consider it completely selfish if you want. Promise I won't be mad if you do._

_I love you. You know that, but it's important. You're the only man I’ve ever loved, actually. I don't know if you knew that. I know I never told you. There's a lot I never told you._

_I never told you that I loved you the first time we were together. Ironically enough, that's why I tried so hard to piss you off all the time. I loved to fight with you because it made it so much easier to pretend I didn't love you more than I’d ever loved someone before. You were still hung up on your marriage and I had never tried to be committed to anyone, so I didn't see a point in loving you._

_It was stupid of me, I think. I was scared. I’m still scared of how much I love you actually. I still don't know how to show you how much I love you._

_I’m trying, I promise, and I know it's too late because I’ll be gone when you find all this out, but it's the best I could do._

_Sorry about that._

_The first time we lived together, I’d always think about how much I wished I could just be alone sometimes. I thought I should mention that because now I can't even sleep without you laying down next to me. I spend all day waiting for you to get back and tell me about your day. My favorite feeling in the world is when you kiss me, and my second favorite is when you kind of run your knuckles up and down my arm while you're holding me._

_Lately, all of my favorite things involve you. You're the best thing in my life right about now._

_Jason’s Bar Mitzvah made yesterday my favorite day though. Before that, it was the first time you said you loved me. I think that was probably right before the fighting started._

_The Bar Mitzvah was the first time I felt like I was part of your family. I’ve always loved Jason, and I’ve always loved you, but Trina barely tolerates me most of the time, and I don't exactly blame her for that, and Mendel doesn't know anything about me that you didn't tell him._

_Yesterday though, nobody fought. We all got along. Trina smiled at me, she tried to make me feel included. Marvin, she let your son have a Bar Mitzvah at a hospital instead of giving him the one you two planned for so long just so that I could be there for him. I actually felt like I could be part of your family._

_I’m gonna miss that, I think._

_I always wished I could show you I love you like you can show me. You can say it like it's nothing, you can hold my hand and smile at me and stare and it never seems like you even have to try. I still feel like I’m telling you a secret when I say I love you._

_You're the first man to do that. Nobody's ever loved me like that. I’m hard to love, I know that. You still love me though. I still have a hard time believing that sometimes._

_Have you noticed that?_

_I try to give you chances to leave me sometimes. Most people couldn't watch someone they care about die. I want to be selfish. I want to make you stay with me until the end, but I can't do that to you. If you do leave before I die I’m not mad at you. I want you to know that. I get it._

_I don't know if I’d be able to watch you die. You're a hell of a lot braver than me._

_When I die, don’t let it ruin your life, okay? I’m not saying settle down with the next pretty boy you see, but don’t let me ruin your life again. I did that enough while I was alive. Spend time with Jason, find a new psychiatrist, see your friends, take care of yourself. You've gotta stay alive to make sure everyone remembers me, so you need to take care of yourself._

_I love you Marvin. I don't even think I got across in this how much I love you. You're the most important thing in my life, I guarantee you'll be the last thing on my mind when I die, and honestly, I can't think of a better last thought._

_I’ll miss you. I hope you don't miss me too much._

He wondered if the letter made any sense, if it was just an incoherent mess, but he knew he couldn't rewrite it. He didn't have it in him to repeat any of that, even on paper. 

He folded the note and stuck it in the drawer in his bedside table. He looked at the clock on the wall and was less surprised than he thought he’d be to find that it was less than an hour until Marvin usually got back. 

He let himself lie down, closed his eyes, and relaxed. When his door opened, he didn't bother opening his eyes, believing it to be Marvin. 

“Whizzer?” came a voice that was distinctly not Marvin’s. 

He sat back up, ignoring the ache in his bones as he did so. “Yeah?” 

It was his nurse. She looked sheepish. “Sorry if I woke you.”

“Wasn't sleeping, just laying down. It’s fine.”

“Do you want me to take the notepad back if you're finished? So Marvin doesn't ask about it.”

Whizzer blinked. “That’d be--yeah, yeah sure. And the--the note is in this drawer.” He gestured to where the note was hidden. “Make sure he gets it, yeah? I don't want it getting thrown away once I’m out of here. He needs to see it.”

“Of course,” she assured him. “I’ll give it to him myself.”

“Thank you.” Whizzer felt nervous about dying again. He hadn't felt that in weeks. He supposed it had stopped feeling real until then, but the fear was back, and he needed it to leave. 

The nurse ducked back out, notepad in hand, and Whizzer was alone. He felt himself start to cry, but it hardly registered. He didn't even mind the dying part all that much, but the thought of leaving everyone behind was entirely too overwhelming to him at times.

When Marvin got back he was still like that, shaking and crying, fists clenched in his blanket. In fact, he didn't even realize Marvin was there until he said Whizzer’s name. Whizzer still couldn't find it in himself to move, to try to tell Marvin he was fine, to do anything. 

A few moments later, he felt the bed dip beside him, felt warmth wrap around him, and almost involuntarily, he threw himself into it. He was still crying, shuddering and getting Marvin’s shirt wet and probably the most unattractive he'd ever been. 

“Whizzer, hey, what happened?” Marvin asked, voice dripping with concern, fingers carding through Whizzer’s hair. 

Whizzer just shook his head, wrapping his arms around Marvin and fisting his hands in the back of his shirt. “Gonna miss you,” he forced out, voice strained.

He felt Marvin freeze for a moment, then felt his grip on Whizzer tighten. “I’m going to miss you too,” he said, and fuck, he made Marvin cry too. 

As he began to calm down, as the panic and the dread seeped out of him, he all but blacked out with exhaustion. When he opened his eyes, they were laying down, and Marvin was still holding him more closely that he would've thought possible before the hospital. 

“Hey,” he said quietly, testing to see if Marvin was awake. 

He felt Marvin jolt when he spoke. “Hey, you're awake.”

He nodded. “Sorry about that.”

“Don’t be.” Marvin pulled back to look at Whizzer. “I’m going to be right here with you until the end. You're not going to have any time to miss me, alright? I called in to work and put in my vacation days for the year, so I’ll be here all day. You'll get sick of me by the end, I promise.”

“You didn't have to do that,” Whizzer said, but every cell in his body was soaring.

“I did,” Marvin told him. “I needed it too. I want to spend as much of the time you've got left with you as I can.”

Whizzer nodded and scooted back in so he could lay his head on Marvin’s chest. Strange as it may be, it was almost comforting that Marvin was admitting out loud that Whizzer was going to die. It meant he wasn't in denial, that he wouldn't wait until Whizzer was already dead to accept reality. It meant Whizzer could say goodbye. 

He threw an arm over Marvin and closed his eyes, still exhausted even after having just woken up. He drifted off wondering how many more nights he would get to spend like this, sleepy and warm and curled up with Marvin.

\--

He had sixteen more days. 

Ten days before he died, he had enough energy to walk around, even to go outside for a bit, breathe in the fresh air. They both pretended it didn't make them want to hope. 

The next day, he couldn't get out of bed at all, and he pretended that didn't terrify him. He couldn't get out of bed the last three days either, even needed Marvin’s help to get to the toilet. 

The last few days were the worst. He almost wished Marvin wasn't there to see it. He vomited up everything he was fed, he barely stayed awake more than a few minutes at a time, he barely even remembered his own name at times. 

They both knew it was the end. Marvin didn't stop Whizzer when he said goodbye.

The last night, Whizzer was almost certain he wouldn't make it to the next morning. He wanted to make his last words count. 

“Marvin?” he croaked out, looking up at Marvin bleary-eyed. 

Marvin was immediately alert, looking down at Whizzer. “Yeah?” 

“I love you so much,” he said, smiling up at him. “I really do. I’m sorry I didn't say it more.”

“It's okay Whizzer, I know you do. I love you too, okay?” He squeezed Whizzer’s hip, and Whizzer pretended it didn't ache deep in his bones because he knew Marvin would feel guilty, and he wanted to take all the affection Marvin wanted to give him. 

Whizzer nodded. “I just--I wanted to remind you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone before.”

“Where's this coming from?” Marvin asked. 

“I just wanted you to know that. You deserve to know. I think you're the love of my life.”

He laid his head back on Marvin’s chest, closing his eyes.

“I know you're the love of mine,” Marvin told him.

Whizzer didn't pretend not to hear the way Marvin’s voice was straining this time. If there was ever a time to be brave, it was when he was about to die. “Don't cry, okay? I’m ready, and I’m with the person I love. I’m with the fucking love of my life, yeah? I think that's a pretty good way to go out.”

He felt Marvin nod, and his eyes grew heavy. He fell asleep, the man he loved holding him, fingers playing with his hair, surrounded by warmth, and so, so _loved_ , and he let go.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is,,,, so long im so sorry
> 
> also!! the bit with the letter i promise i didn't just copy and paste the letter, there's other stuff added in lmao

Marvin felt the exact moment Whizzer died. Even while sleeping, even when his health was completely failing him, Whizzer never stopped moving. When he was asleep, he twitched and he squeezed Marvin and he kicked and tossed and turned. He never stopped.

And suddenly he did. He was perfectly still in Marvin’s arms. Marvin froze a moment, blood running cold. He waited for anything--movement, a noise, _anything_ to indicate Whizzer was still there.

Nothing.

Marvin jumped out of the bed as if it were burning him and ran to the hallway, calling for doctors, nurses, anyone who might be able to save him, even just for another week, another day, another _hour._ Just enough for Marvin to say goodbye.

He knew Whizzer was going to die, he wasn't an idiot, but he needed to tell him goodbye. Once he saw doctors rushing towards the room, he ran back in there, grabbing Whizzer’s hand and holding onto it as if it were a lifeline.

The doctors tried to revive him, tried for long enough that Marvin knew it was hopeless before they even stopped. When the words “time of death” left one of the doctors’ mouths, he broke. 

He could hardly breathe, could hardly see through all his tears. All he knew was that Whizzer was gone, really gone, and he was never going to come back. It felt like a gaping hole in his reality, felt like the worst thing that would ever happen to him.

Time passed by in a blur, everything eventually fading around him until there was nothing but Whizzer’s hand in his own, Whizzer’s hand growing less warm every second.

He stopped crying eventually. He stopped doing anything. He wasn't even sure he was breathing. He couldn't stop looking at Whizzer’s face, couldn't stop trying to reconcile it with _his_ Whizzer.

Someone came by at some point to take him away. Marvin didn't try to fight it. He didn't think he _could_ try.

He collapsed into one of the chairs against the wall and stared down at his hands, hands that would never hold Whizzer again. He wasn't sure how long he sat there like that. Too long, probably. 

He heard a knock on the doorframe, and he forced himself to look up. He recognized the woman standing there as one of Whizzer’s nurses, the one who came to check in on him more than any of the others.

“Sir?” she said hesitantly, lingering in the doorway.

He nodded, not trusting his words, and she stepped into the room, walking past the space Whizzer’s bed used to be and to the table next to the newly empty space. She opened a drawer and pulled out a lined piece of paper and came to Marvin with it, holding it out for him to take.

She took a deep breath. “He left it for you. He asked me to make sure you got it. I--I haven't read it, but he told me he wanted to be able to leave something behind for you.”

He froze, staring at the paper like it might try to kill him. “He--he left it for me?”

She nodded. “It seemed pretty important to him. He told me you needed to see it.”

Marvin took a shaky breath and took it from her hands, pointedly not looking at it. He couldn't look at it, not yet. “Thank you,” he he forced out.

She smiled at him. “Would you like me to call someone to take you home? It’s--it’s not safe to drive when you're this upset.”

He thought for a moment. “Trina, I--I can call Trina. I just need a phone.”

“I can show you where one is if you want?”

He nodded and stood, holding onto Whizzer’s note so fucking gently, not wanting to wrinkle it or crease it or ruin it in any way. Whizzer liked to keep things neat.

He followed the nurse through the halls in a haze, his mind completely fogged over. She stopped in front of a phone and pulled it off the wall, looking at him a moment, considering, before speaking. “Do you think you can ask her, or would you rather I do it?”

“Can you?” he asked, voice so strained he hardly recognized it.

“Of course,” she assured him. “I just need you to put in her number.”

He took the phone and entered the number with his free hand through pure muscle memory, eyes never leaving Whizzer’s note. 

She put the phone to her ear, looking at him with eyes full of concern. “Hi, can you put your mother on the phone?” A beat of silence. “I work at the hospital, your dad needs to ask her something.” A longer silence. “Trina, hi! Marvin asked me to call for him. He needs someone to drive him home. I’ll--I’ll let him explain when you get here if he'd like to. Okay. Thank you Trina, goodbye.”

She put the phone back on the receiver and smiled at Marvin. “She said she’ll leave right away, so she should be here soon. Would--where would you rather wait?”

“I can wait outside. I--I can't go back to his room.”

She nodded, understanding. “Do you want me to walk you, or would you rather go alone?”

“Don't you have to work?” he asked, but didn't stop her from leading him outside.

“It’s just about time for my break, so I’m free,” she assured him. 

He nodded. “I didn't get to tell him goodbye.”

She pressed her mouth into a tight line, blinking a few times. “I’m sure he wanted it to be like that. He knew he didn't have much time left. If he wanted you to say goodbye, he would've made it clear.”

“You’re probably right,” he said, small smile on his lips. “He’s great at that. Everyone always knows the second he wants something.”

She smiled at him. “Yeah, I could tell. He was always polite about it, but we always knew when he wanted things.”

“Whizzer’s the love of my life,” Marvin said, blinking hard. He wasn't going to cry out on the street. “I--I don’t know what I’m going to do without him. I really don't. I’m terrified.”

“It’s gonna take time,” she told him. “I wish I could say it'll be easy, but it's going to take a lot of time.”

“It feels like a hole,” he said. “Like I’m stuck at the bottom of a hole and I don't have anything down there with me to help me climb up. I just--I just want him. Even if it's just for another hour, I just want to be able to hold him again.” He scoffed. “I’m pouring my heart out to you here and I don’t even know your name.”

“It’s--I’m Alison. I didn't realize you weren't there when I told Whizzer who I was,” she said, sheepish. “I--I know how shitty this all is, and I wish to God we knew how to stop it.”

His eyebrows furrowed. “How could you possibly know--”

“My best friend,” she said quickly. “He--he had it too. He didn't have anyone like Whizzer had you. I was all he had.” She gave him a tight smile. “I was at home when he passed. It was a few months ago, and I still can't believe he's gone. I--I’m glad Whizzer had you, Marvin. A lot of these men don't have anyone.”

“Sometimes I think about what would’ve happened if we didn't start seeing each other again. He doesn't have family or anything. He has friends, but not any close ones. I don't think he would've ever had a visitor. I--it killed me to see him sick like that, but I just--the idea of him being there alone was worse.”

“I wish more of them had someone like that,” Alison said, sniffling.

“Yeah,” Marvin agreed, nodding. 

They were silent after that, and Trina’s car pulled up a few minutes later, much faster than Marvin expected her to get there. She stepped out of the car and all but ran to him. 

She looked at his expression, at the presence of Alison next to him, at the paper in his hand. “Did he-?” Marvin nodded, and he heard a noise come out of Trina, then she threw her arms around him. “Oh Marv, honey, I’m so sorry.”

His arms came up and wrapped around her, hugging her tightly. He felt himself shuddering, felt himself crying again, felt every bit of restraint he had left crumble. They stood there like that, holding each other, Trina whispering comforting words in his ear that may as well have been static for all he actually heard them, for longer than they'd ever held each other before. 

When Trina pulled back, Marvin saw that she was trying not to cry, was trying to hold it together for him, and he didn’t think he’d ever be able to put into words how grateful he was for her. 

“Thank you for staying with him,” she said to Alison, and her voice barely shook. 

She pointed to the note, still in Marvin’s hand, that had grown wrinkled around where he was holding it from how tightly he clung to it. “Marv, do you want me to hold onto that for you, just to keep it safe?”

He didn’t say anything, but he handed it over, watching as she folded it neatly and slid it into a pocket on the outside of her purse. She wrapped her arm around Marvin’s waist and led him to the car, neither of them speaking a word. 

Once they were driving, Trina cleared her throat. “Do you--where do you want me to take you?”

Marvin thought of his apartment, of all of Whizzer’s things strewn about, about how the sheets still smelled like Whizzer. He squeezed his eyes shut, hoping that maybe if he did it hard enough, he wouldn’t be able to see himself and Whizzer in it, together and happy. 

Then he thought of Trina’s house, the one he and Trina used to share. He thought of stolen kisses, of dancing and sweet-talking and fucking when Jason and Trina weren’t there, thought about the admissions of feelings that were whispered like secrets even when it was just the two of them. He thought about their beginning.

God, Whizzer absolutely _filled_ every space he’d ever been, everywhere Marvin had ever been. But he wasn’t still at Trina’s, and at Trina’s, Marvin wouldn’t be alone. He didn’t trust himself to be alone. “Your house.”

She nodded, staring straight ahead, and drove a path that was so familiar to Marvin. It was all so familiar, but it was an entirely different world, wasn’t it? It was a world without Whizzer in it. It might as well have been an entirely different planet for how foreign, how _wrong_ everything felt. 

The lights were off in the house when they pulled into the driveway, which was unsurprising. Jason had school the next day, and it was getting late. 

Marvin wondered if Trina would still make him go, or if she’d tell him in the morning, give him a day or two to process. 

“Will the guest bedroom be okay?” Trina asked as she pulled the keys from the ignition. 

“More than,” he said immediately. “Just--can you stay with me for a while?” His voice broke, and he cleared his throat. “I don’t think I should be alone right now.”

Her eyes widened, and she nodded quickly. “Of course I can. I just need to tell Mendel we’re back first.”

He sniffed hard and nodded, getting out of the car. He walked to the front door and almost reached for his keys out of instinct. He hadn’t had keys to this house in a long time. 

Trina fumbled with her keys a moment before she got them into the lock, and once the door was open, Marvin stumbled in a haze to the guest bedroom. He all but collapsed onto the bed, letting his head fall into his hands. He felt a sob wrack his body before he even registered the tears streaming down his face, and moved a hand to his mouth to quiet himself. 

He didn’t realize Trina enter the room until the bed dipped beside him, and felt himself flinch away from her involuntarily when she laid a hand on his back. “Marvin, hey, look at me.”

He shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut until he saw spots, trying his damndest to just stop crying. 

He heard her sniffle. She wrapped an arm around him and pulled him closer to her, and guided his head to rest on her chest. She petted the top of his head, humming softly. Soon the sobs had quieted into something more manageable, and he made himself lift his head, made himself look her in the face.

“He’s gone, Trina,” he forced out, every part of him shaking. 

She nodded, eyes glossing over. “Was he in pain?”

Marvin shrugged, helpless. “The last few days were the worst he’d ever been. I know he was in pain then.” His voice broke, and tears were still streaming down his face. “He was asleep though. When he went out. I was holding him. He told me--he said I was the love of his life, and then he went to sleep. And he just--” he stopped, shrugging again. “That was it.”

“I should’ve visited him more,” she said, a short, hysterical laugh bubbling out of her throat. Then she was crying too.

“He--he didn’t like people seeing him like that. The last days, he--it was awful. He wouldn’t have wanted any of you there.”

She nodded, hand cupping her mouth, and leaned her head against Marvin’s shoulder. 

“God, Marvin. I can’t imagine,” she said, shaking her head.

He choked out a laugh. “I didn’t think anything could feel like this. I--it feels like part of me is missing, a really important part, you know? This will be the first night in--Trina, I don’t even know how long--that I’m going to sleep without him next to me. I don’t know how to sleep alone anymore.”

She breathed in deeply and sat up straight, giving him a tight smile. “I can stay in here tonight. Mendel will--he’ll understand, Marv. I’m not leaving when you’re like this.” 

“You don’t--”

“I do.” She wiped her eyes and rubbed his back. “I don’t trust you to be by yourself tonight. I’m going to stay here, and I’ll lay with you if it’ll help you sleep, and we can talk about everything in the morning, figure out what to from here.”

“If you’re sure,” he said, and she nodded. “I--I’m tired, Trina. I’m just so _tired._ ”

“Then let’s go to sleep, okay? We can worry about everything else tomorrow.”

He nodded, kicked off his shoes, and laid down on top of the blankets. Trina got up, turned off the lights, and left her shoes beside the door before crawling into the bed next to him. He clung to her like a lifeline, shuddering and crying and every bone in his body dripping with exhaustion. It didn’t feel like he’d ever stop crying. 

Trina wrapped her arms around him and held him close, kissing the top of his head. Neither of them said a word, and neither of them was asleep for hours.

Marvin did fall asleep eventually though, thoroughly draining himself from all the crying. Trina was still carding her fingers through his hair, her hands trembling. If he let himself, he could almost pretend it was Whizzer. 

When he woke up, the bed was empty. He couldn’t remember the last time he woke up to an empty bed. He sat up, wanting nothing more than to immediately lay back down. He didn’t know if he wanted to sleep or cry or scream or some combination of the three. He ignored it, ignored the way every bone in his body cried out when he stood, ignored the static in his brain as he left the room. 

He stumbled through the halls, bleary-eyed, and found Trina and Mendel in the kitchen, each of them holding a coffee mug. 

“Marvin!” Trina exclaimed when she saw him. “Do--would you like a cup?”

“Please,” he murmured, leaning heavily against the counter. 

It felt as though he blinked, and then she was handing him a mug. 

“I--I let Jason stay home today. I wanted to leave it up to you when to tell him,” Trina said, wringing her hands. 

He took a long drink, hardly noticing how it burned going down. “I’ll tell him.”

“Are you sure?” Mendel asked, taking a step forward. “I--I’m not sure it would be good for you.”

“He’s my son, Mendel. I should tell him.”

Mendel hesitated, but nodded.

“Is--is he awake?” Marvin asked, nodding in the direction of Jason’s room. Trina nodded, and he drained the rest of his coffee. The burn almost felt nice in a way. “I should--I should tell him. You know he’ll be more angry if he finds out I waited to.”

Trina nodded, giving him a forced smile. “Just--I’m here if you need me.”

Marvin took a deep breath, set his mug on the counter, and walked the familiar path to Jason’s room. He knocked on the door before opening it, and saw Jason sat on his bed, setting up his chessboard. “Hey kid,” he said, wincing at how hoarse his voice was. 

“Dad?” Jason said, eyebrows furrowing. “What’re you doing here?”

“I, uh--I need to talk to you about something.” He walked into the room, closed the door behind him, and sat at the end of Jason’s bed. 

“It’s Whizzer, isn’t it? Something happened?” he asked, bottom lip trembling.

“Yeah, it’s Whizzer,” he said, trying to keep his voice steady. “He--last night, he--he’s gone.”

Jason’s face scrunched up, and he shook his head. “But, at my Bar Mitzvah, he--he looked _better._ ”

Marvin nodded. “He did. And then he started getting worse. Last night, he just--he fell asleep, and he didn’t wake back up.”

There was a beat of silence, both of them frozen, and then Jason was in Marvin’s lap, shaking. Marvin couldn’t see his face, but he could feel him crying. He cleared his throat, blinked back tears, held Jason. “I know. I--I didn’t want to believe it either.”

“This is why Mom let me stay home, isn’t it?” came Jason’s muffled voice, thick with tears. 

“Yeah. Yeah, it is. She wanted to give you--give both of us time.”

“Did he know?” Jason asked, fists clenched in Marvin’s shirt. 

“I think he did. Before he fell asleep, he--he said goodbye. I didn’t know that’s what he was doing, but he did. And then he just...fell asleep.”

Marvin couldn’t pretend he wasn’t crying anymore, and the two of them stayed like that for long enough that Jason wore himself out, fell asleep right on Marvin’s lap. Marvin maneuvered himself to lay Jason down, tucked him under the blankets, and wiped his tears. 

He dried his own face before he opened the door, and found Trina on the couch, flipping through a magazine much too quickly to even be seeing the pictures in it. He saw her purse on the coffee table, and took a deep breath. 

“Trina?” he forced out, ignoring the way his hands had started to shake. “Is--is that note still in there?” He gestured to the purse. 

“Yes, do--do you want it?” she asked. 

He nodded, and she moved to grab her purse immediately, pulling it out of the pocket it had been tucked into and holding it out for him. “Is it--did he write it?”

“His nurse said he wanted her to give it to me after--after everything. I haven’t read it,” he told her, taking it from her hand and rubbing his thumb against it as if he were stroking Whizzer’s knuckles. “I think I want to read it alone.”

She nodded, and he turned to leave, walking back to the guest bedroom. He sat on the edge of the bed and unfolded the paper with his still-shaking hands, staring down at it a moment, unable to even read it at first because the sight of Whizzer’s writing left him lightheaded. 

_If you're reading this, it either means I’m dead or you're going through my shit while I’m asleep, but I trust you, so I’m guessing it's the first thing._

Marvin laughed, even though tears had already started sliding down his cheeks.

_I didn't want to leave you with nothing, and I know you'll probably find some way to be pissed after you read this because I’m too much of a coward to say any of it to you while I’m still alive, but I needed to do this. Consider it completely selfish if you want. Promise I won't be mad if you do._

_I love you. You know that, but it's important. You're the only man I’ve ever loved, actually. I don't know if you knew that. I know I never told you. There's a lot I never told you._

Marvin didn’t know what to do with that. Whizzer had told him he was the love of his life, and Marvin hadn’t even had time to come to terms with being told that while Whizzer was on his deathbed. The idea that Marvin was the only man to ever earn Whizzer’s love, the first to have that place in his heart, made his heart feel raw, torn to shreds.

_I never told you that I loved you the first time we were together. Ironically enough, that's why I tried so hard to piss you off all the time. I loved to fight with you because it made it so much easier to pretend I didn't love you more than I’d ever loved someone before. You were still hung up on your marriage and I had never tried to be committed to anyone, so I didn't see a point in loving you._

_It was stupid of me, I think. I was scared. I’m still scared of how much I love you actually. I still don't know how to show you how much I love you._

_I’m trying, I promise, and I know it's too late because I’ll be gone when you find all this out, but it's the best I could do._

_Sorry about that._

Marvin snorted. Knowing Whizzer, the chances of the apology being sincere or sarcastic were completely evenly split. Either way, it was just so him that it left a physical ache in Marvin’s chest.

_The first time we lived together, I’d always think about how much I wished I could just be alone sometimes. I thought I should mention that because now I can't even sleep without you laying down next to me. I spend all day waiting for you to get back and tell me about your day. My favorite feeling in the world is when you kiss me, and my second favorite is when you kind of run your knuckles up and down my arm while you're holding me._

_Lately, all of my favorite things involve you. You're the best thing in my life right about now._

_Jason’s Bar Mitzvah made yesterday my favorite day though. Before that, it was the first time you said you loved me. I think that was probably right before the fighting started._

Marvin had to stop for a minute, to bite down on his fist to stop himself from sobbing too loudly. He knew Whizzer loved him, but he didn’t know how much. He never could’ve guessed he was as important to Whizzer as Whizzer was to him. 

_The Bar Mitzvah was the first time I felt like I was part of your family. I’ve always loved Jason, and I’ve always loved you, but Trina barely tolerates me most of the time, and I don't exactly blame her for that, and Mendel doesn't know anything about me that you didn't tell him._

_Yesterday though, nobody fought. We all got along. Trina smiled at me, she tried to make me feel included. Marvin, she let your son have a Bar Mitzvah at a hospital instead of giving him the one you two planned for so long just so that I could be there for him. I actually felt like I could be part of your family._

_I’m gonna miss that, I think._

He had to set the note down after that, had to curl into himself and break. “Fuck,” he whimpered, hardy even recognizing the sound of his own voice. He felt himself fill with regret, wished he’d taken Whizzer to more baseball games, let Whizzer spend more time with Jason, wished he’d tried to convince Trina to make peace with Whizzer earlier. 

He wished he would’ve done something, anything at all. He wished he had any clue Whizzer actually wanted to be part of his family.

He didn’t move for a long time. He sat there, curled up and shivering, unable to stop or even slow down his crying. As soon as he’d calmed down enough to get rid of the blur in his eyes, he picked the note back up. He didn’t know if he’d survive to the end, but he needed to know everything Whizzer wanted to tell him, everything Whizzer didn’t say when he was alive.

_I always wished I could show you I love you like you can show me. You can say it like it's nothing, you can hold my hand and smile at me and stare and it never seems like you even have to try. I still feel like I’m telling you a secret when I say I love you._

_You're the first man to do that. Nobody's ever loved me like that. I’m hard to love, I know that. You still love me though. I still have a hard time believing that sometimes._

_Have you noticed that?_

_I try to give you chances to leave me sometimes. Most people couldn't watch someone they care about die. I want to be selfish. I want to make you stay with me until the end, but I can't do that to you. If you do leave before I die I’m not mad at you. I want you to know that. I get it._

_I don't know if I’d be able to watch you die. You're a hell of a lot braver than me._

He shook his head, his entire body _aching._ Even as Whizzer was dying, was brave enough to keep a smile on his face while he did it, he still thought of himself as a coward. 

_When I die, don’t let it ruin your life, okay? I’m not saying settle down with the next pretty boy you see, but don’t let me ruin your life again. I did that enough while I was alive. Spend time with Jason, find a new psychiatrist, see your friends, take care of yourself. You've gotta stay alive to make sure everyone remembers me, so you need to take care of yourself._

_I love you. I don't even think I got across in this how much I love you. You're the most important thing in my life, I guarantee you'll be the last thing on my mind when I die, and honestly, I can't think of a better last thought._

_I’ll miss you. I hope you don't miss me too much._

Marvin felt shattered into thousands of pieces, felt as though he may as well have died with Whizzer for how much it hurt. He didn’t know what to do from there. He didn’t know if he’d ever even be able to get up from the bed. 

He laid down, still shaking, sobs dying down until he could almost breathe again. He clutched onto the paper as if it held Whizzer in it, and maybe it did in some way, and he drifted to sleep.

There were things to do, a funeral to plan, but that could wait. For now, all he needed to do was lay there, to fall asleep with the last remnants of Whizzer next to him. That was all he needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everything hurts and nothing is okay and i am sorry


End file.
